Self-restraint

What my wisteria doesn't look like, Warwickshire, May 2025

This new way of life, filled with denial masquerading as 'doing the right thing', is difficult. Not that I expected anything else; eating less has always been difficult for me. When I've talked to people who naturally stop eating when they are full at a meal, I find they simply don't comprehend why anyone would overeat. Jokes about having a different stomach for pudding are seen as just that - jokes, rather than representing the actuality of wanting to eat something that tastes good, just because it tastes good, and more always being better than less.

Shops in town are full of delightful treats. My friend had a garden party that included wonderful cakes. The weekly board games group and my regular local Buddhist group both have a tea break that includes biscuits. I ended my Tuesday volunteering at the Birmingham Buddhist Centre by making a lemon tart for the workers there. Visiting Lola II and Mr M, I happened to arrive on the night of Lola II's termly concert, after which there was a party, and then her craft group next day happened to be holding a celebratory lunch. Visiting Adhisthana for my kula meeting - someone brought snacks. When volunteering there, I have little control over meal content or the portion on my plate. A festival day at the Birmingham centre included a bring-and-share lunch. It's everywhere, almost every day.

This is no surprise. As a qualified Dietitian I am well aware of the place of food within every society, and its role as anything but simple nutrition. Food as evidence of love, of celebration, of consolation, of generosity, eaten for comfort, eaten to make someone else feel better, mindlessly eaten with anticipation, then disappointment, then regret. The 12-step program around food addiction runs in exactly the same format as that of alcohol. 

Then there's the negative impact of food choices on family and friends, of refusal to accept well-meant food offerings. Of being thought of as 'difficult', or 'fussy', or being told 'you ARE good', or people apologising for eating something in front of you that you're not having, or trying to accommodate you but getting it wrong. The discipline to do what is best in the moment, but often to reflect on what went wrong this time and resolve to do better when it happens again. As it will.

So everywhere I go I am practising mindfulness. This means remaining aware of habits that have been thoroughly embedded over 60 years, and trying to catch every thought and hold it rather than act it out. I remain determined but I feel weak. It's easiest to operate at home, where I can arrange distractions, and do my best to stay out of the kitchen. I didn't go to the party after Lola II's concert, I kept my back to the food at the craft lunch, and I brought my own lunch to the bring-and-share event and stayed out of the room with all the food laid out. I'm telling everyone about my predicament in the hope that they will remember and support me.

Last time I lost weight was during the pandemic, when we weren't allowed out and I only had at home what I bought during my weekly shop. The time before that was when I was on a dietetic placement, living in a rented room and being kept very busy and fairly miserable. Those were very different circumstances. I have also used a calorie counting app in the past; this time I am focussing on reducing carbs and portion sizes, but the calorie counting may have to come into play if this doesn't work on its own. Two weeks in, so far so good, and I'm trying not to think about whether my life will need to stay this way forever.