A Grand Day Out (part 2)

Corinthia Hotel, June 2021

Part 1 was all about the day leading up to our Afternoon Tea at the Posh London Hotel. At last we've reached the main event.

Arriving at the hotel for tea, Lola II identified our booking and indicated to the maitre d' that this scruffy person she had brought wearing shorts and trainers would be changing into more appropriate clothing. "What is the problem?" challenged the maitre d'. "You don't have to change, it will be perfectly fine. I say so, and I am in charge, so that's all." Walking to our table I saw other customers in shorts, so my smart but hot work trousers and Lady Shoes had a lovely day out but stayed in my bag throughout. 

We declined the champagne option on arrival in favour of tap water (neither of us likes champagne), and studied the menu of fifty different teas. A waitress introduced herself, and talked to us rather more than I am used to. We hadn't quite decided on drinks so she insisted that we should let her know when we were ready. We carried on chatting and looking at the menu, as one does, and the maitre d' was the next to arrive. "Have you decided on something adventurous to drink?" he asked. I went for a caffeine-free mint tea that was slightly interesting, but Lola II opted for decaff breakfast tea. We were clearly not very adventurous at all. He seemed disappointed.

The chatty waitress turned up too late to help us order drinks, but before we were quite ready for sandwiches. We assured her that we would let her know when we were ready. When Lola II had made our booking she had forgotten to indicate that I don't eat meat, so she had mentioned this to the maitre d' when we arrived, and he was the one to bring the sandwiches. Mine were introduced, and didn't seem to contain egg or cheese, so I asked whether they were in fact vegan. "Vegetarian and vegan," the waiter said. "So, vegan?" I asked. "Both - vegetarian and vegan," he repeated. "So, vegan?" I said again. We went round a few times before he offered to bring me the ordinary sandwiches that didn't contain meat but did include cheese and egg. "You can have anything you want," he admonished us. "Anything at all, just ask."

Lola II's foray into the sandwiches containing avocado and crab did not go well. The avocado sandwich contained two of the little nubbins that are the remains of the avocado stalk, and the crab sandwich contained a little piece of shell. When the maitre d' came back to take our empty plates, Lola II pointed this out. He was horrified. "This is unacceptable," he declared. "I am so sorry. It's terrible! What can I do to make it up to you?" Lola II assured him that it was fine, but she thought he ought to know. "Absolutely right," he said. "I need to make sure that this will never happen again. I will be talking to the chef, and the hotel executive. We will have a meeting tomorrow." He took the plates away to our protestations that it was quite all right, nobody died, just a bit of shell in a sandwich...

The chatty waitress returned. We were not ready. We promised faithfully to let her know when we were ready for scones. The maitre d' brought the scones, and apologised again for the terrible and shameful problem with the sandwiches. He was acting as though the next day that chef would be taken out and shot, or maybe would be advised to kill himself for the honour of the hotel. "Do you like champagne?" he asked - no, we don't. "Well, what can I bring you? Remember, you can have anything at all." 

We were already quite full and aware that there was much more to eat, but he seemed so eager that after a second or two, Lola II asked "Do you have any lime cordial?" "We do," he replied, rightly suspicious that she should have doubted this in a hotel of such quality. I knew what was coming next, and was amused that he might be imagining a request for some brand of superior gin or vodka. As I expected, Lola II followed up with "Could I have lime cordial with tap water, please?" 

I had just as much trouble thinking of a drink for myself. I would probably have been happy with the same as Lola II, but he seemed so keen that I managed to come up with the idea of ginger beer.

The maitre d' brought our drinks, and stayed for a chat - the staff of this hotel seemed to love 'getting to know' [bothering] their customers, especially those who are clearly not used to the high life, with their shorts and trainers, their lime cordial and ginger beer, and their shunning of champagne in favour of tap water. He told us all about where he lived in London, and how there was a protester at the top of a crane with a Palestinian flag, and how they had closed the road. "It's in all the papers," he said. He showed it to us on his phone. Lola II was very impressed to notice that he sanitized his hands after he'd put his phone away. 

We had a plain and a fruit scone each with strawberry and rhubarb jam and clotted cream. [I'm sure Lola II would like me to point out that in the picture above, the tea cups are not patterned but mirrored, and reflect the pattern of the plates in a very pleasing way.] The waitress came back and cleared away when we were done, and begged us to let her know when we were ready for the sweet course. We assured her that we would. She brought the trolley over, and set up our cake stand anyway.

We'd noticed that at other tables the last cake was sometimes brought with a candle or sparkler. As she brought ours, the chatty waitress had a question. "On your booking form you put that this is a celebration, but you didn't say what kind," she said. "Are you celebrating something?" [Lola II said afterwards that she had ticked the 'celebration' box on the booking form and then changed her mind about it, but it seems the partial information had made it through.] I smiled at the chatty waitress. "It's to celebrate my divorce," I said. 

I don't think this is quite the sort of celebration she is used to, but she coped quite well. She had a moment's uncertainty until she saw that both of us were smiling, so she decided to make a number of assumptions and give me some advice. "Now you can travel! You can go wherever you like!" This seemed to be her main preoccupation, and she mentioned it again later on, as well as encouraging me to "Enjoy the new phase of your life!" when we were leaving. We didn't get a candle or a sparkler though. We assured her we would call her if we needed anything more.

Let me introduce another character in our day's drama: Kevin the Pianist. [Full disclosure: Kevin actually entered the story much earlier on but for the sake of the narrative flow he has had to wait until now.] The maitre d' told us about Kevin, whom he'd known for 10 years, and who was so accomplished that in all that time there had never been a tune that Kevin hadn't been able to play. Even if he didn't know the song, he would just have a listen on YouTube and then play it anyway.

Kevin seemed to have formed an uncanny psychic connection to Lola II's music collection. Billy Joel, Elton John, Take That, songs from the musicals - he played them all while we polished off most of the sandwiches and the scones and the soft drinks. Occasionally he took a break and visited tables where he spent so much time we thought he must know the guests. Until he came to our table, and tried so persistently to maintain a conversation that we thought he would never go away. Even Lola II eventually stopped making eye contact, and she LIKES people. Anyway, he played the Ed Sheeran song that Lola II suggested, so that was nice.

We were definitely slowing down by the time the sweet course came. Eight delicious little portions of sweet things plus the cake without the sparkler proved too much, and we had to ask for a bag to take half of it away. [This is where the choux pastry with apricot and pistachio that I mentioned in the last blog post appeared. Lola judged it the best of the sweets.] Lola II managed a coffee but I couldn't even fit in any more to drink. 

Normally they give you 1 hour 45 minutes for an afternoon tea reservation, but it wasn't busy and the maitre d' told us we wouldn't have to move on until we were ready, so we didn't have to hurry. As we leaned back and rested our bloated stomachs, thinking about what to do next, our best friend the maitre d' came over for another chat. "What are your plans for the evening?" he asked. "I hear you are celebrating!" We said we were thinking about it. "Why don't you go to Kerridge's bar? It's only next door!" This was clearly a ridiculous suggestion. "We are so full that we can hardly move and you  already know we don't drink alcohol - why would we conceivably want to go to a bar?" we replied. "Mocktails?" he suggested. "Not going to happen," we said. [With minimal further research it turns out that this Kerridge's Bar & Grill is 'our restaurant at Corinthia London' - so not an unbiased suggestion...]

What we actually decided to do was to see a film - for Lola II, it was her first foray back into a cinema since the first lockdown. The Empire Haymarket was deserted, and we were told that we were the only patrons in the 5.15 p.m. screening of Cruella (a prequel to 101 Dalmatians). We were joined by two other people in the end, but it still felt very exclusive. [It is quite a good film, but could have done with being about 15 minutes shorter.] It was still very warm when we came out and made our way back to the tube via Ole & Steen, where Lola II bought a pastry for herself for the next day, and another for Mr M - it's traditional to buy gifts such as Tim Tams and pastries when you've been away on holiday, and that's how it felt for Lola II after so long without travelling into London.

I hadn't had any breakfast that day, and obviously couldn't manage any supper, although I nibbled at the little sweets we'd brought back. No breakfast next morning, and even back home I couldn't manage another meal until the evening. And so ends the Long Version of our Grand Day Out in That London.

Lime cordial and ginger beer